Learning How We Want to be Supported
Hello! Good Morning! Happy Monday!
This week marks the last few days of January, which brings me to my last post about how to find your way to effective therapy.
Our last topic will be about how we want to be supported. Specifically how we want to be supported by a therapist. This may feel like an obvious answer for some, but it can be harder to learn what we need then it seems. Let alone finding the ability to ask for what we need!
Why don’t we know how we want to be supported?
In the last 5 years we have found ourselves in a mental health crisis. We can say that this has happened for many reasons: covid, watching our world slowly burn, the increasingly scary fight between liberals and conservatives, an astronomical amount of mass shootings, or the general increase of conversation around mental health. Whatever the reason, we know as a society that we are in one.
If you grew up in the 80s and 90s and maybe even early 00s, it was very unlikely that you heard anyone talk about mental health or therapy. Whereas now sentences like “My therapist said…” or “I can’t wait to tell my therapist…” or “I have therapy today!” are part of the newer generations' common vernacular.
We have recently stepped into a world of children, teens, young adults, and even some older adults understanding themselves in completely different ways. Especially, for those older generations where talking about feelings, being supported by others, and even considering talking to anyone about topics outside of the weather, sports, and “How are you? I’m good” were completely taboo and looked down on.
We survived for so long under the assumption that if we didn't fit into the world as it stood, then there was something wrong with us. Turns out, the narrow view of how we perceive people to fit into the world doesn’t work for the majority of the population. Of course, we don’t have actual research on this because it is still an idea that we are working on admitting, but look anywhere on the social internet and you will see people taking a stand for what they need and want.
For many of us we are learning for the first time what it is like to be supported in the way that works best for us. But if we aren’t there yet, how do we figure it out? How do we know how we want to be supported?
How to figure out how you want to be supported?
The best way to figure out what we need for ourselves is to do some introspection. And introspection is best done when we have some questions that we can ask ourselves. I’ll give some questions here that will hopefully spark more internal exploration.
When I am feeling intense emotions how do I want the people around me to respond?
Do you want people to move towards you? Do you need quiet to think through what you are experiencing? Do you feel like you have to handle your emotions on your own? Do you know what you were feeling are emotions?
When you were a kid and needed help from a parent/guardian/adult, did you like how they responded? Did you want them to respond in a different way?
Did you feel ignored? Did you feel supported? Did you feel like you could go to the people around you for help? If not, why not? If so, what did they do that made you feel comfortable to do that?
Was there someone in your life that you felt safe with? Whether emotionally or physically?
What made you feel safe around them? Was it something about their presence? Or did they do something that confirmed safety for you?
If you can think of your inner child, what is something that you think they missed out on that you do for others now?
Is there a way you care for the people around you that you would have liked having done for you? Looking at our own behaviors in relationships can be a good way to figure out what we need.
In thinking about the answers to those questions, we now have a list of things that we know will support us when we are in need. This is a great list to bring up with friends, family, and even your mental health professional. Which leads us to:
What are you looking for in a therapist?
All therapists have different approaches to therapy. We can get super technical here and talk about all of the lenses/methodologies/approaches/etc that you will find in a therapist’s bio. I will dive into these at a later time, but for now, let’s talk about how you want to be approached as a human from another human, rather than a diagnosis/presenting problem.
Being able to understand and know what we want from the therapeutic relationship is wildly important. Being able to do this kind of communication is what can push the therapeutic relationship into a beautiful and understanding space. Something that I ask my prospective clients is what they are looking for in a therapist.
I offer examples like:
Cheerleader/Validator - Someone that supports and validates you in your experiences and decision making.
Psychoeducator - Someone that provides education on therapeutic and psychological skills and methods.
Listener - Someone that listens and reflects back to you what you are saying. Basically someone to understand you.
Collaborator - Someone that you work with to move towards your goals.
Faith based - Someone that joins you on your faith journey and how it correlates with your mental health and experiences.
Challenger - Someone that listens and challenges your perspective to help you grow.
Safe space builder - Someone that allows you to create a safe space for yourself to confront vulnerable topics and emotions.
You may feel pulled towards several of these ideas and that’s great! Keep thinking about how else you’d like to be supported in a therapeutic relationship!
Most therapists will innately have a lot of these qualities, but not all therapists can provide what you are looking for. Imagine if a therapist challenged you and it turns out that is something that in the past made you feel unsafe. That is an automatic ding to the therapeutic relationship. Being aware of how you want to be moved towards is an incredibly important part of the therapeutic process.
Remember a therapist can be perfect for you on paper, but if they can’t provide you what you are looking for on a human to human level, they may not be your best fit.
Knowing and communicating how we want to be supported can be the best way to unlock our minds. Finding a space where we feel we can be safe and productive allows us to be able to explore our minds openly and honestly.
This might sound scary/vulnerable/terrifying at first. But with the right therapist and the right environment you will be able to slowly go through this process of learning and discovering about yourself. Never hesitate to communicate with your therapist what what you need!